Friday, November 13, 2009

Welcome to Canada: Here are the rules

The federal government has announced it will be handing out a newly revamped “citizenship guide” to immigrants entering this country.

Unlike previous such guides which basically offered a brief explanation as to why the Toronto Maple Leafs haven’t won a Stanley Cup in 42 years, this one will emphasize the responsibilities bestowed up “new” Canadians.

To me this sounds like a fantastic idea, so to help spread the word I managed to got a hold of one these guides and have reproduced it here:


In Canada, rights come with responsibilities. These include the following:

There is no compulsory military service in Canada. However, serving in the regular Canadian Forces (navy, army and air force) is a noble way to contribute to Canada and an excellent career choice. It’s also a great way to learn about your new nation’s history first-hand, as Canadian troops are basically armed with military equipment dating from roughly the War of 1812.

Getting a job, taking care of one's family and working hard in keeping with one's abilities, are important Canadian values. Work contributes to personal dignity and self-respect, and to Canada's prosperity. But the harder you work, the more money governments will deduct from your income in taxes. So let’s face it, it doesn’t really make sense to work too hard.

One of Canada's founding principles is the rule of law, which is why we have laws and regulations coming out of our national whazoo. Once in Canada, you can expect politicians and bureaucrats to regulate virtually every aspect of your life from where you can smoke cigarettes, to what kind of dog you can own, to what language you can post on business signs. Resistance is futile.

When called to do so, you are legally required to serve. Indeed, serving on a jury is a privilege. (Don’t worry; it’s usually pretty easy to get out of it. Try telling the judge something like, “Hey you know what? The accused reminds me of the guy who ran over my kitten!”)

The right to vote comes with a responsibility to vote in federal, provincial or territorial, and local elections. And remember a Conservative government let you in the country, which might help you decide which party to vote for, if you get our drift.

Every citizen has a role to play in avoiding waste and pollution while protecting Canada's natural, cultural and architectural heritage for future generations. And if you don’t know what that role is, don’t worry. David Suzuki will nag you to death until you turn off your bloody porch light.

Millions of volunteers freely donate their time to help others without pay -- helping people in need, assisting at your child's school, volunteering at a food bank or other charity, or encouraging newcomers to integrate.

Revenue Canada is still trying to figure out if it can somehow tax them for this.

So as you can see, this guide will help explain to newly arrived Canadians that citizenship is truly a two-way street.

It’s a two-way street, by the way, which as the guide helpfully points out, was recently re- paved thanks to a Conservative government stimulus grant.


rabbit said...

Okay, that was funny. Tragic but funny.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Nicholls,


The rules should have explained Canadians' dry sense of humour, with a link to your blog. Ha ha lol omg.

Anonymous said...

If you look real closely at the picture of the queen with her crown and flip it upside down it clearly says "Vote Conservative".

Further, the map of Canada has all Liberal ridings either blacked out or they are labeled as the Red Sea.


David Suzuki said...

Please stop blogging, you're wasting energy.

Kadam said...

Thanks Gerry! As I suffer from the pandemic flu, realizing that as a Canadian living alone, I must risk my fellow's health by breaking my self imposed quarantine to help stimulate the economy(or buy expensive alcohol and sugar concoctions claiming to relieve flu symptoms), you have brought joy to me. Especially since you pointed out that newcomers no longer need to read excuses why my beloved Leafs have not won in my lifetime.

Anonymous said...

did you know that if you look at Canada sideways on a map that Hudson Bay makes it look like a Conservative letter "C"... and how dare that Stephen Harper name our country "Canada" and use the letter "C" as it's first letter leaving out the letter "L" completely...

Kadam said...

David... I know you are the most trusted Canadian... But I bet I could throw you father than I could trust you

Thermblog said...

Am I the only one who wishes that we would pay more attention to keeping out the riff-raff in the first place?

The brochure is welcomed but once a person arrives as a landed immigrant it really is too late.

Bill Elder said...

Ever since Suzuki went after our down stairs beer fridges, he has revealed himself to be most repulsively unCanadian.

Anonymous said...

Too late to what?