Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Looking back at 2009

The year is drawing to a close

And except for the wars, the world-wide economic recession and the never-ending Tiger Woods saga, 2009 was pretty good.

It was an especially amazing year when it came to Canadian politics.

Don’t believe me?

Well here’s a brief recap of 2009’s top political highlights:

* A Constitutional crisis nearly occurs when it’s found no one in Parliament knows how to pronounce the word “prorogue.”

* A Health Canada campaign instructed Canadians on the proper way to cough into their arms. This helped stop an H1N1 flu epidemic; unfortunately it triggered an epidemic of infected elbows.

* The Queen awarded former Prime Minister Jean Chrétien with the prestigious “Order of Merit.” An ecstatic Chrétien celebrated by throttling a nearby protestor.

* To battle the recession, the Conservative government implemented a bold and exciting plan, which mainly entailed spending millions of tax dollars on TV ads telling Canadians the government had a bold and exciting plan.

* A photo op went tragically wrong when a giant cardboard novelty “economic stimulus” cheque government MPs were handing over to local politicians in South Porcupine, Ontario suddenly collapsed destroying several buildings and injuring dozens of onlookers.

* After wowing the nation with his singing performance at the National Arts Centre Gala, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced he will appear as a contestant on American Idol. In unrelated news, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson were both appointed to the Senate.

* The Canadian government’s budgetary deficit soared to a record-setting $56 billion. However, Finance Minister Jim Flaherty promised the budget will soon be balanced thanks to the expected royalties from Prime Minister Harper’s newest CD, which includes the hit single “What Afghan detainees?”

* A new political star emerged in 2009: the Conservative Party logo. The logo showed up on Canada’s Olympic sweaters, on government “economic stimulus” cheques and most amazingly of all, on the forehead of CBC anchor Peter Mansbridge.

* Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff announced Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s “time was up” and declared he was ready to force a Fall election. Later, Ignatieff explained to reporters that he really meant the Fall of 2016.

* Beleaguered Liberal MPs desperate to reverse their sagging poll numbers reportedly plotted the overthrow of their leader Michael Ignatieff. Mentioned as possible replacements for Ignatieff were Bob Rae, Justin Trudeau and the Conservative Party logo.

* Hacked emails from a global warming research institute revealed a startling fact: former Liberal leader Stephen Dion’s dog, Kyoto, is actually named “Coal Burning Plant.”

* To protest a planned re-enactment of the Battle on the Plains of Abraham, Bloc Quebecois Bloc MPs donned 18th century military uniforms and stormed Parliament Hill. The stunt backfired, however, when the Bloc MPs were captured by Canadian military personal and handed over to the Afghan army.

* Governor-General Michaëlle Jean made headlines when she ate a raw seal’s heart. To gain similar publicity, NDP leader Jack Layton ate a pound of raw tofu shaped to look like a seal’s heart.

So you see 2009 was politically speaking a banner year.

And 2010 promises more of the same.

But try and have a Happy New Year anyway.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Very funny! You missed your calling Gerry, CBC should give you your own show.