Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Have yourself an Eco-Christmas -- that's an order

It didn’t get a lot of press, but the recent Copenhagen Climate Change summit issued a series decrees concerning the Holiday Season.

These decrees have essentially established new environmental Christmas traditions.

If you want to legally enjoy Christmas you must now adhere to the following rules:

All festive sing-alongs must include the song “I’m dreaming of a non-globally warmed Winter season.”

Santa Claus must now wear green instead of red and he must look like Al Gore.

Instead of reindeer, Santa’s sleigh must be portrayed as powered by solar panels. (The same goes for Rudolph’s nose.)

Burning of yule logs or any other non-renewable resources is strictly prohibited, unless the burners have first paid a carbon tax.

“Christmas” lights are banned unless they draw their energy from windmills.

On Christmas Eve, all parents are now required to read their children a poem which begins, “Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, except for David Suzuki, who was snooping about looking for illegal beer fridges.”

Instead of receiving a lump of coal, naughty children will now receive recycling bins stuffed with environmentally friendly products.

Christmas trees are now forbidden; instead families will now decorate a pesticide-free “Christmas tree seed”, which must be planted the following spring.

All food served at festive gatherings must be “organic” and “grown locally”. Since this is Canada and since nothing grows here in the dead of winter, all meals will therefore consist of whatever walnuts, fruitcakes and candy canes are left over from last Christmas.

Instead of hanging up stockings, Canadians must now hang up reusable canvas bags, the uglier the better.

So those are the new Eco-Christmas rules and regulations.

Happy Holidays!

(Please note these rules do not apply to any Third World Dictatorships)


Platty said...

And, of course, anyone caught singing this will be shot on sight.


Anonymous said...

Brilliant! And hilarious!

Ku Lao-Sa said...


Don't worry about Santa. His workshop is in China now. Thanks to the support from the Chinese régime, he can employ cheaper elves in some industrial park on the outskirts of Shanghai. At the same time, Santa can operate a call centre for children to Skype their lists to Saint Nickolanathan in Mumbai, India.

On Christmas Eve, Sandhu Claus will receive the protection of the RCMP just in case protesters attempt to block Sandhu from sliding down a non-usuable eco-friendly wind turbine chimney. Protesters may also be present at the Bracebridge Walmart which is ironically located near the shut-down branch plant Santa's Village on the 45th parallel north.

While the elves are sweating it in Shanghai and the Mumbai call-centres are a-light with children's requests, those evil terrorists have attempted to wash ashore along the coast of British Columbia. They are claming refugee status. They claim that the Sri Lankan government are trying to destroy them through global warming. These so-called bogus refugees are accused by the Canadian and Sri Lanka governments of being members of the Snowmen Tigers.

A reminder to my Jewish friends: use a solar-powered Menorah next year for Tcha-nooka. Better yet, just buy eight Made-in-China $3.95 solar powered lights at Walmart and place them in a row on your lawn next year. Don't worry about the snow. There won't be any thanks to Sandhu Claus's global warming and his sweatshops in Shanghai.

Anonymous said...

Love your blog, but global warming is so last decade. We're really excited about the next decade, 50 years of global cooling. Yep it's the new fad, get started early before you're left out.

Anonymous said...

truer words were never spoken
drop by Springer's and tune into the Aussie Farmer Peter Spencer's hunger strike


please may the Liberals not return to power for a long time


Xanthippa said...

I bought a set of solar powered Christmas lights. No, don't laugh - it was an investment, so I could say I DID try it...

After about 4 days worth of charging them in as direct sunlight as our Northern climate permits this close to the winter solstice, they lit up (dimly, but they did) and stayed on for almost 1/2 hour!!!

Oh - and as for Christmas music: