The Political Answer Man

In just a few days Canadians will once again vote in a federal election.

I say "once again" because since 2004 Canadians have been forced to endure approximately 117 federal elections.

Or maybe it just seems that way.

Anyway, at least this election is different.

And by different, I mean it’s the first election in history a “just visiting” Liberal leader who “didn’t come back for us” is running against a Conservative leader who is “demanding absolute power” so he can destroy democracy and wreck health care.

A lot is at stake.

So not surprisingly, many Canadians are asking serious questions about the possible outcomes of the May 2^nd vote.

For instance, one serious question I often hear is “When will this stupid, boring election be over?”

That’s why, to help sort things out, I have compiled a list of commonly asked questions for which, thanks to my many years of political experience, I can make up plausible-sounding answers:

Q. What happens if after Election Day no party wins the confidence of the House of Commons?

A. According to Canada’s constitution the Governor-General has the power to appoint any party leader Prime Minister through an ancient British practice commonly known as “The Eeeny-meeny-miny- moe” competition.

Q. If the Liberals lose what will happen to their leader Michael Ignatieff?

A. Ignatieff will step down as leader, but in the interest of continuity his eyebrows will be named Interim party leader.

Q. Will Green Party leader Elizabeth May finally win a seat to the House of Commons?

A. Ha, ha! Very funny, but please only serious questions.

Q. If Prime Minister Harper wins a majority will his governing style change?

A. Absolutely. In fact, he already has picked out a new official Prime Ministerial motto: “No more Mr. Nice Guy”.

Q. But will the Conservatives unleash their “hidden agenda” if they win a majority?

A. They can’t. After winning power in 2006, they hid their agenda so well nobody can find it, so it’s lost. The Conservatives have looked for it everywhere: under the bed, behind the filing cabinet, on the fridge. But nothing. Many believe the hidden agenda is buried somewhere in Tony Clement’s riding.

Q. What will be the first action the Conservatives will take if they win on May 2?

A. Prepare TV attack ads against whoever is the new Liberal leader.

Q. Is it possible NDP leader Jack Layton could be Canada’s next Prime Minster?

A. Yes. In fact, he has already written his victory speech.  Here’s an excerpt: “Wow. I really didn’t think I would win … I’m serious. My policies are completely unworkable and unrealistic. They would wreck the country in a week. So, can we have a recount?”

Q. But what about the possibility of a “Coalition” government?

A. Ingatieff has been clear on this. He will never, ever, ever form a coalition government …. unless he does.

Q. When will the next federal election be called if we elect another minority government on May 2^nd?

A. May 3^rd.

Q. Isn’t everyone sick of elections?

A. We will keep having elections until the voters get it right!

Q. What about Gilles Duceppe and the Bloc, are they finished?

A. No. Back in 1867 the Fathers of Confederation decided Canada must always have at least one politician from Quebec to perform the crucial duty of annoying English Canadians.

OK, I hope this Q & A session makes the political situation a little clearer for everybody.

Of course, even I can’t answer the most important question that’s currently uppermost in the minds of most concerned Canadians: Who will win the Stanley Cup?