Medal Envy

Not to exaggerate or anything, but I am the victim of an appalling, terrible injustice, the likes of which the world has never seen.

Get this: I am the only person in all of Canada who has not yet been awarded a Diamond Jubilee Medal.

Or at least it seems that way.

In fact, so many people seem to be getting these Diamond Jubilee medals, that for a while I thought they were handing them out at subway stations, along with those free newspapers.

But then I learned you actually have to be “nominated.”

And really that’s about all I do know about the Diamond Jubilee Medal, except for two other key facts: it has something to do with a) diamonds and b) jubilees.

At any rate, it’s a terrible feeling not to be nominated for this medal.

Every day I dream of draping it around my neck, or pinning it to my chest, or hanging it on the wall next to my “Perfect Attendance” certificate from sixth grade.

To make matters worse some of my friends have received the Diamond Jubilee Medal.

Imagine the embarrassment I’ll feel when I am the only medalless attendee at the next “Vast Right Wing Conspiracy” meeting. (Note: I am never invited to Vast Right Wing Conspiracy meetings, but it’s the principle that matters.)

And let me be clear, I am not asking for something I am not qualified to receive, like I did when I demanded a literary Pulitzer Prize for my erotic novel, 50 Shades of Gerry.

Just check out the “eligibility criteria” to get a nomination:

* The nominee must be a Canadian citizen or a permanent resident of Canada.

* The nominee must have been alive on February 6th, 2012, the 60th anniversary of Her Majesty’s accession to the Throne.

* The nominee must have made a significant contribution to a particular province, territory, region or community within Canada.

I handily meet the first two requirements in that I am a Canadian citizen and as far as I know I was alive on February 6, 2012, though my memory can sometimes play tricks on me.

As for the requirement about a “significant contribution”, I would suggest that my plastering of cartoon pigs on negative attack ads significantly contributed to lowering this country’s standard of public debate.

Hey, the rules don’t say it has to be a “good” contribution.

So again, I ask, why no medal for me?

Well one possibility is that I have made too many enemies.

In fact, among the groups I may have inadvertently offended over the years include:

• Anyone who thinks Prime Minister Stephen Harper is God.
• Anyone who thinks Prime Minister Stephen Harper is Satan
• The entire state of New Hampshire
• “Artists” who get government subsidies for creating “art” that looks like stuff found at the local trash dump.
• The David Suzuki Fan Club
• Diamond Jubilee Medal winners.

 All I can say is, can’t we let bygones be bygones?

Indeed, in the spirit of friendship, I make the following promises.

To right-wing nominators I say, give me this medal and I solemnly promise to effusively praise our monarch, and, if I have time, I will also say a few nice things about Queen Elizabeth.

To left-wing nominators I say, give me this medal, and I promise to get all self-righteous about some trendy cause and will threaten to give it back.

And if that doesn’t convince you, consider this: the nomination process lacks any sort of transparency, meaning if you nominate me, no one ever needs to know about it.

It’ll be our little secret.

So what are you waiting for nominators, put the pedal to the Jubilee Medal.