Friday, December 21, 2012

Reviewing the Pointless Politics of 2012

When it comes to politics 2012 was pretty much like any other year, in that lots of  pointless stuff happened.

Yet it's my job as a pundit to take that pointless stuff and forge it into a plausible sounding narrative.

With that in mind, here's my chronological look back at the major political happenings of the past year:

January 9 –To determine ownership of strategic Arctic islands, Prime Minister Stephen Harper competes head-on with Russian leader Vladimir Putin in a rock-paper-scissors competition

January 16 – The Liberal Party holds convention in Ottawa, during which delegates announce bold new election strategy: “Fervently hope the Conservatives and NDP somehow screw up.”

January 26 - While attending an international summit in Davos, Switzerland, Prime Minister Harper explains radical Canadian initiative: Tim Horton's new coffee cup sizes.

February 5 – Prime Minister Harper travels to China where he send sends the following diplomatic message to American President Barack Obama: “I am in a country with billion freaking people. And guess what? Not one of them is a tree hugging, Hollywood celebrity. And they want our oil. So suck on that!”

February 13 - Surprising poll shows no NDP leadership candidate can name any other NDP leadership candidate!

February 14 – Conservatives calm fears about their proposed internet surveillance law saying it will simply make all Canadians the government’s "special" Facebook friend.

February 18 – Good news of for the Conservatives:  “Vikileaks” scandal diverts national attention from “robo-call” scandal.

February 27 –The CBC is found to be broadcasting “porn”, including such programs as “The Too Friendly Giant" and "Mr. Undressup".

March 2 – “Robo-call” scandal goes international when Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad tells UN he remembers getting phone call giving him wrong location of Israel.

March 18 – Due to mounting attacks from the left wing is his own party, NDP leadership frontrunner Thomas Mulcair vehemently denies charges he is trying to make his party more electable.

March 23 -- NDP delegates gather in Toronto to perform the important democratic task of picking the next target for Tory attack ads.

March 26 - At news conference, newly elected NDP leader Thomas Mulcair reacts to charges he has a temper by beating two reporters to death.

March 28 – Conservative Finance Minister Jim Flaherty says he plan to combat economic slowdown by immediately erecting hundreds of new Economic Action Plan billboards.

April 2 – The military tests F-35 fighter jets by strafing the Auditor-General’s Office.

April 6 – New study shows polar bear population in Northern Canada larger than expected; David Suzuki reacts to this news by denouncing polar bears for not dying more.

April 24 –Albertans exercise the most cherished and important act of any democracy, i.e. embarrass pollsters and pundits.

May 18 - NDP unveils new slogan -- "Alberta's the Disease; Mulcair's the Cure".

May 19 – Muclair’s “Dutch disease” strategy working as new poll shows the NDP leader gaining strong support among Dutch doctors.

June 13-  Bob Rae says he decided not to run for his party’s leadership after he received an annoying robo-call message from Justin Trudeau.

June 14 - Opposition MPs oppose government forcing a monstrous omnibus bill through the House mainly because it's not them forcing a monstrous omnibus bill through the House.

June 20 - As part of its official War of 1812 commemorations the federal government burns down Toronto.

July 3- Cabinet Minister Bev Oda resigns; in unrelated news, orange juice stock prices tumble.

July 6 -- Thomas Mulcair blames Canada's economic problems on the Calgary Stampede.

July 10 –  To bolster national unity, Calgary stampede officials require cows to emit bilingual "moos".

July 11 – Conservative cabinet Minister Tony Clement announces government will put up a memorial to communist sympathizer Norman Bethune; in a related development North Korea puts up a memorial to Tony Clement.

July 25 -  The UN sends peacekeeping troops to emerging global hot spot: The British Columbia - Alberta border.

July 26 - Canada says it will take Omar Khadr back from US, but only if he is shipped through Keystone pipeline.

July 28 -- BC Premier Christy Clark demands "Fair Share" from Chinook winds passing through her province

August 3 - Heritage Minister James Moore slams idea of putting pipeline through BC, says oil should be pumped through CBC cable.

August 4 – Due to poor officiating by Norwegian referee, Canada loses Olympic soccer match to the US. Prime Minister Harper avenges loss by saturating Norway with robo-calls.

August 6 -- NASA's rover on Mars shocks scientific community when the first image its beams back to earth is an “Economic Action Plan” billboard.

August 7  – Canadians beam with pride when our Olympic contingent ends up leading the world medal count in the "Sports Nobody has ever Heard of" category.

August 14 – During Quebec provincial election PQ Leader Pauline Marois pledges to ban the English Muffin and the English Horn.

August 16 – The United Church votes to boycott Israeli products; later that day, God announces He is boycotting the United Church.

August 20 – PQ leader Pauline Marois threatens to hold a referendum on whether or not to hold a referendum on whether or not to hold a referendum.

August 29 - Disagreement breaks out at Iran Summit meeting; Delegates can't agree on whether Israel is a "Cancer" or an "Imperialistic parasite".

September 2 - Study suggests new riding redistribution scheme for House of Commons will result in 30 more annoying politicians.

September 4 - PQ wins minority government in Quebec, giving Premier Pauline Marois has just enough of power to irritate English Canada.

September 8 - Canada closes down embassy in Iran. In response Iranians issue following statement: "What's Canada?" 

September 11 - Prime Minister Harper named ‘World Statesman of the Year'. Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad demands a recount!

September 17 - In compromise move, Quebec Premier Pauline Marois removes Canadian flag from National Assembly, but replaces it with Justin Bieber poster.

September 18 – Conservatives accuse the NDP of wanting to impose a “carbon” tax. The NDP calls this a massive lie, saying it actually wants a "carton" tax.

September 24 – Canada and Britain agree to share some diplomatic duties, meaning the embassy cafeterias for both countries will serve steak and kidney pie covered in maple syrup.

September 29 - Canadian UN delegates walked out of Iranian President Ahmadinejad's speech after the dictator praises Gary Bettman's management style.

October 2nd – While announcing his bid for the Liberal leadership, Justin Trudeau denies he is the party’s “savior”, he then proceeds to feed vast media throng with two fish and five loaves of bread.

October 12 -- European Union wins Nobel Peace Prize, narrowly edging out the Holy Roman Empire.

October 18 – Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty offered roles in sci-fi flick entitled "The Prorogue-erator

October 23 -- President Barack Obama  prorogues Congress ... until somebody reminds him he isn't in Canada.

November 11 - American Alliterative Association promotes Pupatello for provincial premier.

November 20 – Conservative governments spends $1.4 million on TV ad which explains how the War of 1812 was won thanks to the Economic Action Plan.

November 21 – Polls show Justin Trudeau is a strong favorite to win the Grey Cup

November 23 –Justin Trudeau announces that “some of his best friends are Albertans.”

November 24 -- Liberal leader Bob Rae tries to trade Mayor Joe Fontana and MP David McGuinty to the Miami Marlins. 

November 26 -- In a stunning ruling, a Toronto judge finds Toronto Mayor Rob Ford guilty of conflict of interest. The resulting penalty is applied on the ensuing kick off.

November 26 – After Liberals lose Calgary Centre by-election, polls reveal Justin Trudeau to be 13% less adorable. 

November 28 – In order to gain support in Western Canada, Liberal leadership candidate and former astronaut, Marc Garneau says he prefers Alberta to that "Awful planet of the apes."

December 3 – Finance Minister Jim Flaherty announces Canada faces a "Fiscal Toboggan Hill".

December 7 -- Harper government agrees to sell Nexen to the Chinese, but only if they also take Peter MacKay.  

December 8 – During a UFC fight, a House of Commons Debate breaks out.

December 12 -- Defence Minister Peter MacKay becomes bidder on TV show "Storage Wars" in hopes of finding locker containing abandoned fighter jets.

December 20 – After issuing a series of profane tweets, NDP MP Pat Martin quits Twitter, fulfilling ancient Mayan prophecy.

At any rate, Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy Pointless New Year!

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