Here's Why We're All Doomed!

I don’t want to unduly alarm anybody, but our civilization is totally doomed.

And it’s all because of fossil-fueled climate change.

Any day now, rising world temperatures (or is it lowering world temperatures?) will wreak havoc on the planet and turn our society into something resembling the latest Mad Max movie.

Yes, I realize some still don’t believe climate change is real, but when it comes to the complicated science of predicting future global climate patterns, I, for one, totally believe what the experts say, and by experts I mean, of course, Hollywood celebrities.

If Kermit the Frog says climate change is a threat to humanity, that’s good enough for me.

Anyway, the reason for my pessimism is because we’re told time and time again that the only thing that can stop the impending environmental Armageddon is government.

Government? Really?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t trust government to deliver my mail, so how am I supposed to have confidence it can somehow stop global climate change?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying government is totally incompetent. Indeed, government can perform some functions exceedingly well, such as putting people in jail and waging wars and ... well actually those are the only two things that come to mind.

At any rate, my point is, relying on government for our salvation, isn’t much of a hope.

Certainly the Canadian government’s record when it comes to fighting climate change isn’t all that great.

Recall, that former Prime Minister Jean Chretien’s scheme to save the planet mainly involved paying lots of money to CBC comedian Rick Mercer, whose job was to appear on TV ads and nag us into joining “The One-Tonne Challenge.”

Unfortunately that campaign turned out to be a One-Tonne Flop, mainly I suspect because the Canadian government didn’t know how to spell the word “ton.”

Of course, our current prime minister is Justin Trudeau, and his number three priority (after selfies and photo ops) is to stop climate change in its tracks.

Yet, I’m dubious he can make much of a difference.

After all, so far Trudeau’s big environmental idea is to impose a tax on carbon. Oops, silly me, it’s not a carbon “tax”, but a carbon “price.”

But whether it’s called a “tax” or “price”, the idea is to make gas and heating oil and electricity more expensive, which the government says will provide it with the revenue needed to pay for important green initiatives, such as funding Trudeau’s trips to exotic foreign locations where he can urge capitalists not to invest in Alberta.

The major problem with this plan is no one really knows where to set the carbon price.

As a result, this policy is less like economics and more like a TV game show --The Carbon Price is Right.

If contestants make the carbon price too low, Leonard DiCaprio will cry; if they make it too high, taxpayers will.

I also don’t have much faith in Trudeau’s other idea, which is to offer government subsidies to “green” industries.

Sure, I get the concept in theory: government-subsidized companies will invent something amazingly innovative and environmentally friendly, such as machines that run on the warmth generated by Trudeau’s “Sunny ways”.

Yet, the sad truth of economics is that companies which rely on government handouts are usually only good at innovating one thing: new ways to get government hand outs.

So you see, for all our sakes we better hope the climate change alarmists are wrong or else we’ve had it.

It’s not that I’m not a “climate change denier” so much as I’m a “government competence denier.”

How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Trudeau Hype

I’m formally announcing in this blog that I will no longer resist Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s unstoppable media charm machine.

From now on, I will just relax, stop thinking and allow myself to become totally and mindlessly engulfed in all the rainbows and lollipops razzmatazz.

Believe me, this wasn’t an easy decision to make, since over the years I’ve come to expect our national leaders to act like, you know … adults.

This is why I initially found Prime Minister Trudeau’s various narcissistic, cutesy-wutesy, man-child antics somewhat off-putting.

Indeed, I felt my gag reflex trigger every time a sappy Trudeau photo op graced my newspaper; my cringe muscles were sprained whenever he uttered one of his childish catchphrases – “Canada’s back,” “Because it’s 2015,” “Sunny Ways” – and when he posed for a steamy photo shoot in Vogue magazine, I wanted to jump off the highest bridge.

Plus let’s not forget the selfies. Oh my God, the selfies! Will they ever end?! How much shallow cuteness can a guy take!

Sorry. Must calm down.

Anyway, eventually I came to realize that maybe it was just cantankerous, cynical old me who deplored Trudeau’s steakless sizzle.

Perhaps Trudeau’s vapid and inane media tactics perfectly conform to our celebrity worshiping, social media addicted, reality TV-show watching society.

Certainly, Trudeau is soaring high in the polls.

And generally speaking the media – the guardians of our democracy and the watchdogs of politicians – are more than OK with The Justin Trudeau Show.

 In fact, journalists seem to love it.

Consider some of the media’s recent “hard-hitting” coverage of our prime minister: Maclean’s magazine did an indepth interview with Trudeau’s Vogue photographer; the Canadian Press broke the important story of Trudeau’s take on the new Star Wars movie (he loved it); and the Huffington Post actually ran this maudlin headline: “Justin Trudeau kids: We could look at photos of Hadrien all day”.

Somebody please pass me a barf bag.

It’s like the entire Canadian media industry has turned into Entertainment Tonight.

I mean if a nuclear war was suddenly to erupt, I have zero doubt the CBC’s “At Issue” panel would debate whether or not radiation burns would make Trudeau even more adorable.

And, of course, it would be a ratings blockbuster.

My point is, none of us can escape Trudeau’s publicity playpen.

So given this unalterable reality, my choice was simple: Go insane or go with the flow.

This is why, in the name of my mental health, I’ve decided to embrace the lovable Trudeau in all his insipid glory.

As the saying goes, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

So to all Liberal party spin doctors and to all Trudeau-adoring media pundits, I say, bring it on.

I’m now psychologically ready to meet with a smile any Trudeau media stunt you can throw at me, no matter how cloyingly contrived or embarrassingly juvenile.

If you want to arrange a two hour TV special featuring CBC news anchor Peter Mansbridge and Trudeau belting out hit tunes from the 80s in a Karaoke bar, I’d cheer it to the heavens.

And I’d be deliriously happy if Trudeau did something super cool, such as ordering his Liberal MPs to appear in the House of Commons dressed as their favorite Star Trek character.

I’d even get Goosebumps and swoon if Trudeau announces his democratic reforms will include selecting the next prime minister based simply on whichever candidate gets the most Facebook “likes”.

So yeah, no more negativity on my part.

And if at any point I should ever doubt Trudeau’s superficial, but fun-loving ways, I’ll just recite those awesomely profound and deeply inspirational words:  “Canada’s back” “Because it’s 2015”, “Sunny ways.”

Hooray for pop idol politics!

Badass History Quotes

One of the best quotes attributed to a world leader concerning the war against ISIS turned out to be a hoax.

Last week Fox News ran a story claiming Russian President Vladimir Putin said this of ISIS: "To forgive the terrorists is up to God but to send them to him is up to me."

Now you gotta admit that’s an awesomely cool line, but alas it seems this quote actually came from the movie Man on Fire.

So Fox got fooled.

But to be fair to Fox, isn’t Putin the kind of guy you’d expect to articulate such a marvelous, Dirty Harry-style badass quote?

Besides, history teaches us that real life people are perfectly capable of coming up with badass lines that could have been plucked straight out of a Clint Eastwood or Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.

To prove my point, here are some of my favorite tough-guy history quotes, in no particular order:

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Julius Caesar

We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.

Winston Churchill

This is where we hold them! This is where we fight! This is where they die!
Spartan King Leonidas

(OK this line is really  from the movie 300, but according to the ancient historians the Spartans were actually the all-time kings of badass quotes, so I'd like to believe this line is historic.)

If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you.
 Genghis Khan

Yes, well there are a lot of bleeding hearts around who just don't like to see people with helmets and guns. All I can say is, go on and bleed.

Pierre Trudeau

War is the remedy that our enemies have chosen, and I say let us give them all they want.

William Tecumseh Sherman

May God have mercy upon my enemies, because I won’t.

George S. Patton

No man ever did me so much good, or enemy so much harm, but I repaid him with interest.

Lucius Cornelius Sulla (Roman dictator)

I’m a kind person, I’m kind to everyone, but if you are unkind to me, then kindness is not what you’ll remember me for.

Al Capone

So yeah, pretty cool stuff, huh?

Remember all these lines the next time somebody tells you history is dull.

The Taming of the Tories

Friends, Canadians, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s political career, not to praise it.

The evil that politicians do lives after them; the good is oft interred in their memoirs.

So let it be with Harper.

The noble left-wing scribes hath told thou Harper was a black-hearted tyrant who for these past six and three years didst besmirch our wondrous realm with accursed attack ads and with covetous Senatorial minions and with robocalls most foul.

These are grievous faults, and grievously hath Harper answered them.

Come I to write at Harper’s political funeral.

Yea, my brothers and sisters, as prime minister, Harper did our budget bring to a blessed state of balance, he hath resurrected tales of our long forgotten soldierly deeds, acts so valiant as to make Mars himself take pause; and he did cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war upon our enemies.

But left-wing scribes say he was a dangerous man.

And left-wing scribes are honorable people.

Recall as well my fellow Canadians how when Progressive Conservatives and Reformers of yore, did bicker like the Montagues and Capulets and cry and wail their sad fate at the ballot box, how Harper too hath wept and through a labour to rival that of Hercules did he bring these two parties together into a wedded union of electoral majesty.

And thus did he give voters a rival to the Liberal leviathan.

Did this in Harper seem dangerous?

Yet left-wing scribes say Harper was a dangerous man.

And left-wing scribes are honorable people.

You all did see that Harper freed Western grain farmers from the bondage of the Wheat Board monopoly, gun owners from the villainous registry and tax-payers from knavish public subsidies that fattened the purses of political parties.

Danger should be made of sterner stuff.

Yet left-wing scribes say he was dangerous.

And surely, they are honorable people.

I write not to disprove what left-wing scribes hath spoke.

But here I am to write what I do know.

And what I know is this: the fate of politicians lies not in their stars or in their records, but in the polls.

So it was for Harper.

When Canadians did feast their eyes upon the young Justin Trudeau, the fair prince of noble name and beauteous visage, whose youthful charisma did Apollo-like dance upon the rays of the sun and whose well-spoke platitudes did fall upon our ears, pleasing those souls which yearned for change.

So did he promise to end our politics of discontent.

And Harper, the melancholy Conservative, did suddenly seem so stale.

Alas poor Harper we knew you well, perhaps too well.

Out, out, brief mandate!

Now so will Harper and his Conservative band of brothers shuffle off this mortal political coil, and in his place will come Trudeau the Younger, an ex-drama teacher who will strut and fret his hour upon the Parliamentary stage, full of sound and fury and photo ops, signifying nothing.

A borrower and a lender will Trudeau be. And red ink will wash across the land, drowning our sorrows in a sea of fiscal troubles.

Such stuff socialist dreams are made on.

To tax or not to tax, that will be the question? Aye, there’s the rub. Whether tis nobler to keep running into debt or to fleece the pockets of Canadians on the morrow? (Coles note translation: Trudeau will definitely hiketh our taxes.)

Yet, perhaps, I doth protest too much.

For left-wing scribes tell the reign of Trudeau will be all to the good.

And surely, they are honorable people.

Political Ads for the Elites

When it comes to politics, we Canadians have to put up with a lot of outrageous nonsense: broken campaign promises, sleazy scandals, Elizabeth May.

But it seems the people most annoyed by certain workings of the democratic process are Canada’s media and intellectual elites, i.e. university-educated professionals who are specially trained to relentlessly lecture us on issues which nobody cares about.

For example, elites are constantly bemoaning the state of Canada’s political advertising, which they argue “dumbs down” our civic discourse and undermines the country’s democratic purity, which is just their elite way of saying, “these ads are bad because they help Prime Minister Stephen Harper get elected.”

Me, I can see both sides of the issue.

On the one hand, I can certainly understand why some people might find political ads annoying, especially since their typically low-budget production values, along with their general lack of creativity, make them look as though they were spewed out by an online random ad generator.

On the other hand, however, as someone who has written political ads in both Canada and the United States, I find the ability to boil down a highly complex and nuanced political statement into a 30 second message that’s so simplistic even a brain-damaged chimpanzee can understand it, a true art form.

For instance, one my ads artistically juxtaposed a photo of Bob Rae and a jackass, a spot which was only slightly less cerebral than another ad I produced which compared MPs to cartoon pigs.

At any rate, since I firmly believe elections should be enjoyable for all Canadians,  including elites, I say it’s time our political parties started producing ads that are crammed with intellectual content, ads that take on important issues, and ads that make only minimal use of barnyard animals.

And to help this process along, I’d like to offer my ideas as to what kind of “high quality” political ads I’d like to see in the upcoming 2015 election.

But before I get to that, however, let me first explain that when I talk about “quality”, I don’t mean we need to make political ads all gooey “positive.”

Positive ads are actually like Care Bear movies; they seem harmless, but if you watch too many of them, your brain will gradually turn into a lump of sugar.

To prove my point, here are two examples of positive political ads gone horribly wrong:

Example 1. The Conservatives once aired a positive TV ad showcasing Prime Minister Harper wearing a cuddly sweater vest as he gently chatted about his cutesy-wutesy family in the hopes this would soften his tough-guy image; instead it just softened everyone’s ability to keep their eyes open.

Example 2. The Liberals produced a positive TV ad in 2009 which featured their then leader Michael Ignatieff cheerfully discussing the finer points of trade policy while standing alone in the middle of a forest.  

Unfortunately for the Liberals this ad made Ignatieff something of a laughing stock (more so than usual I mean), although on the plus side, it did significantly increase his name recognition among squirrels and chipmunks.

Mind you, intellectual elites probably believe positive ads are superior because they seem so much nicer when compared to so-called “negative” or “attack” ads.

What they fail to realize is political “attacks” are actually an important part of our democratic heritage, going all the way back to the dawn of classical civilization. In fact, the term “political negative ad” is derived from the ancient Greek phrase “politicos negatotos gyro” which roughly translated means, “Feel free to take your opponent’s quotes wildly out of context.”

But enough about the history of political ads, it’s time now to check out my suggestions as to how each party can totally degrade and debase its rivals in a high quality manner:

Ads to Take Down Trudeau

Going negative against Liberal leader Justin Trudeau presents a real challenge because he’s so adorably cute; attacking him is kind of like kicking a puppy.

Yet, like a puppy, Trudeau also has less intellectual heft than an average episode of The Bachelor.

And that can be used as a basis for anti-Trudeau attack ads, such as:

Trudeau TV Attack Ad #1

Visual -- A flattering photo of Trudeau appears on the screen. (Ordinarily, I’d suggest an unflattering photo be used, but unfortunately no such photo of Trudeau exists.)

Narrator: Here are some facts about Liberal leader Justin Trudeau.

Fact: Trudeau’s only experience in dealing with fiscal issues occurred when he negotiated with his mother for a raise in his allowance.

Fact: At the time, Trudeau was 35 years old.

Fact: Trudeau argued his allowance “should raise itself.”

Fact: After hearing this argument, Trudeau’s mother ended up cutting his allowance.

And now Trudeau wants to take control of the federal budget?! Don’t let him use your tax dollars to raise his allowance.

Trudeau TV Attack Ad # 2

Visual: Side by side photos of Trudeau’s head and a turnip.

Narrator: Have you ever wondered if Justin Trudeau was smarter than a turnip?

Let’s compare the two.

A turnip never expressed admiration for the Communist Chinese government.

Trudeau did.

A turnip never joked on a radio show about the explosive situation in the Ukraine.

Trudeau did.

In response to the war against ISIS, a turnip never made a crude comment about “Whipping out CF-18s”

Trudeau did.

You wouldn’t trust a turnip to run Canada; why trust Trudeau?

Trudeau TV Attack Ad # 3

Visual: Photo of Justin Trudeau eating a turnip.

Narrator:  Remember when Justin Trudeau said the federal budget will “balance itself”?

Well if you think that’s bad consider all these other crazy things Trudeau may or may not have said:

“I’m not worried about the XL pipeline, because one day it will just build itself.”

“I am calling upon the UN to demand that Vladimir Putin invade himself”.

“The best thing about my beautiful hair is it combs itself.”

So if you don’t want a prime minister who says oddball things vote for Stephen Harper.

By the way, here’s some irony, this ad actually wrote itself.

Ads to take Down Harper

The Liberal party has said again and again, that it’s going to stay positive. This, to use the proper technical political science term, is a “lie.”

The Liberals will definitely go negative and they’ll score big points if they use ads like these:

Harper TV attack ad #1

Visual: A cartoon of Mike Duffy, made to resemble the giant “Stay Puft Marshmallow Man” from the Ghostbusters movie, is seen causing havoc in downtown Ottawa.

Narrator: Stephen Harper actually appointed Mike Duffy to the Senate.

The Canadian Senate.

Duffy with an expense account.

In our Senate.

In Canada.

We did not make this up.

Harper TV attack ad # 2

Visual: NDP leader Thomas Muclair appears on the screen.

Audio: Hi, I’m Thomas Mulcair and one important issue in this election is how the Harper government has eroded our precious democratic rights and freedoms.

In fact, under Bill C-51 the government now has sweeping powers to invade our privacy and to infringe on our …(sound of static abruptly drowns out Muclair’s voice, then the video starts break up …until suddenly Mulcair’s image is replaced by a screen filling photo of Prime Minister Harper’s face, staring accusingly with ice cold blue eyes directly at the viewer)

A cold clinical voice then speaks the following words which also appear in big bold letters on the screen thusly:

WARNING: THIS VIDEO TRANSMISSION HAS BEEN DEEMED UNPATRIOTIC AND A THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY. TO AVOID PROSECUTION, PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO THE NEAREST MIND CLEANSING CENTRE FOR RE-ORIENTATION.

A MESSAGE FROM THE TOTALITARIAN ACTION PLAN – WE’RE KEEPING YOU SAFE IN WAYS THAT SHOULD TERRIFY YOU!

Harper TV Attack ad # 3

Visual: Image of Prime Minister Harper appears on the screen digitally altered to look like a combination of history’s greatest monsters: Genghis Khan, Joseph Stalin, Justin Bieber.

Narrator:  What you learn about Prime Minister Harper in this ad will terrify the socks off you.

A group of scientists, while combing through the wreckage of the Franklin expedition ship, discovered something thought to be long lost and forgotten: Harper’s scary right-wing hidden agenda.

This is frightening because it means the Harper government will soon implement a whole range of scary, right-wing, hidden things, such as forcing every Canadian to carry a bible, such as forcing every Canadian to carry a gun, such as forcing every Canadian to carry a gun with a bible attached to it.

Yes, when it comes to scary right-wing hidden agendas nothing is too impossible to totally make up.

So be afraid! Be afraid! Be afraid!

This ad is paid for by the Stop Conservative Fear Mongering Committee.

Ads to take Down Mulcair

Going after the NDP will mean producing ads with a little more subtlety and a little more sophistication, meaning they will need some sort catchy tagline, and by “catchy” I mean a phrase, which after you’ve heard it about a million times on TV and radio, will bore into your subconscious mind like a voracious parasite and nest there, gnawing away at your cogitative and reasoning powers.  

See if you can detect the catch phrase in these ads:

Mulcair TV Attack Ad # 1

Visual: Black and white photo of Thomas Mulcair, with a sharp focus on his beard.

Narrator: Here’s what NDP leader Thomas Mulcair doesn’t want you to know.

He has a beard.

Do you know who else had a beard?

Karl Marx and Fidel Castro. (Visuals of Marx and Castro appear on screen)

Are you scared yet?

Mulcair TV Attack ad #2

Visual: Photo of Thomas Mulcair standing between Prime Minister Stephen Harper and Justin Trudeau.

Narrator: NDP leader Thomas Mulcair –he combines Stephen Harper’s personality with Justin Trudeau’s foreign policy ideas.

Are you scared yet?

Mulcair TV Attack ad #3

Visual: Vintage photo of NDP convention from the 1960s.

Narrator: Did you know the New Democratic Party was founded in 1960?

That’s means the NDP is more than 50 years old.

Yet, Thomas Mulcair calls his party the “New” Democratic Party.

How can something more than 50 years old be new?

So if Mulcair is lying about the “New” part, is he also lying about the “Democratic” part?

Are you scared yet?

By the way, in case you missed it, the “catch phrase” in each of those ads was, of course, “Thomas Mulcair.”

Now, I could go on and on with more examples of brilliantly creative political ad ideas, but I think I’ve already achieved my goal here, which was primarily to pad this blog posting’s word count.

Besides, now that I look back at my ad ideas, I realize they probably won’t please the elites.

After all let’s face it, eggheads want political ads that are erudite and classy, like a Margaret Atwood novel; unfortunately this would result in political ads that are boring and pretentious, like a Margaret Atwood novel.

So like it or not all you elites out there, my ideas are about as good as you can expect to see in terms of political ads. In fact, I’m fairly certain that compared to the low brow stuff that will actually air during the next election, my ad concepts will look positively Shakespearean.

Are you scared yet?

Debate Prepping with Justin

Liberal leader Justin Trudeau is not only amazingly cute, he’s also incredibly busy.

In addition to his rigorous schedule of posing for charming photo ops, he’s also prepping like crazy for the upcoming federal leadership debates.

True, those debates are still about five months away; but Liberal party strategists, realizing that pitting their gaffe-prone leader in a debate against Prime Minister Stephen Harper and NDP leader Thomas Mulcair, is like throwing a goldfish into a pond of barracudas, want their leader to be as prepared as possible.

Hence, media reports say that for the past two months Trudeau’s been doing full debate rehearsals, five to six hours a week.

Of course, knowing Trudeau as we all do, we can easily assume that those debate rehearsals are probably going a lot like this:

CONSULTANT: Justin let’s begin our debate rehearsal, I’ll play the part of the moderator, and ask you some practice questions OK?

TRUDEAU: OK, but who am I playing? When I was teaching drama class, I always made it a point to emphasize the importance of knowing your character.

CONSULTANT: You’re playing you Justin. Remember this is a rehearsal for the leadership debates. It’s very important.

TRUDEAU: Got it. So what’s my motivation in this scene? Actually, never mind, I’ll just wing it improv-style. Go ahead and ask away.

CONSULTANT: Mr. Trudeau, if you were elected prime minister what would be your top priority?

TRUDEAU: Easy. My advisors keep telling me that something called the “middle class” is extremely important to Canada, so I’d try my hardest to help it or help them or help whatever it is.

CONSULTANT: Um… we need to work a bit on that answer, Justin. But don’t worry, it’s my fault for starting you off with such a tough question. Just to warm you up, let’s try something a little easier. Tell me Mr. Trudeau what do you love the most about Canada?

TRUDEAU: I love so much about Canada, only I wish we had a government that was just as efficient as the government they have in North Korea which is ….

CONSULTANT: Hold it, Justin. I’m going to stop you right there. Didn’t we already spend hours talking about this? Didn’t we explain to you why that was such a bad thing to say?

TRUDEAU: Well, as I recall you told me praising communist China was a bad thing to say. But clearly I just praised North Korea, so honestly I don’t see the problem

CONSULTANT: Fine. We’ll come back to that later. Here’s my last question. Why, Mr. Trudeau, do you want to be prime minster of Canada?

TRUDEAU: Well, mainly it’s because my mother keeps telling me it’s time I got a real job. And that’s a bit harsh in my ….hey, what’s wrong? Are you crying?

CONSULTANT: No, I just have something in my eye.

TRUDEAU: Listen, why do I need to answer all these hard questions in this stupid debate? By now everybody already knows exactly how smart I am. Can’t I just stand at the podium balancing a baby on my hand? The media seems to love it when I do stuff like that.

CONSULTANT: But you need to show … oh to heck with it. Somebody get me a baby.

Speaking of Elizabeth May ...

Given all the chatter over Green Party leader Elizabeth May's "sleep deprived" antics at the recent Ottawa Press Gallery event, I thought I'd pile on a bit and reproduce a column I wrote which appeared a few years ago in the Ottawa Citizen. 

Green Party Needs a New NameIt’s time Green Party leader Elizabeth May changed the name of her party so that it more accurately reflect its true purpose.

I’m thinking of something like: “We will do Everything we can to Help the Liberal Party Even if it Means Undermining our own Environmental Cause Party.”

OK that moniker might be a bit difficult to fit on a ballot, but it sure fits the Green Party’s current raison d’etre.

After all, ever since May became Green Party leader, her chief political goal has been less about promoting Green ideology and more about helping Liberals get elected.

Recall, for example, that in the 2008 federal election she decided not to run a Green candidate against then Liberal leader Stephan Dion.

And in doing so, she effectively endorsed Dion for prime minister.

This was an odd decision since if May really thought Dion would make a great prime minister, why was she even running?

And don’t tell me May endorsed Dion because she believed he was some kind of green activist.

That theory doesn’t hold water because the Liberals at the time didn’t exactly have a sparkling “green” record.

In fact, the Liberal government, of which Dion was part, had done precious little to reduce Canada’s greenhouse gas emissions or to implement the Kyoto Accord.

That’s why Jamey Heath, an environmental activist and onetime NDP advisor, called May’s Dion endorsement “incredibly self-defeating”.

He was right.

Also seemingly self-defeating was May’s bizarre call during the 2008 federal election for strategic voting, in which she actually urged Canadians not to vote for a Green candidate if another candidate (i.e. a Liberal) had a better chance at defeating a Conservative.

With a friend like May, Green Party candidates didn’t need enemies.

And even though the Liberals have fallen into third place, May has still not given up promoting their electoral cause.

Most recently, she announced the Greens would not be running a candidate in the upcoming Labrador by-election against ex-Conservative cabinet minister, Peter Penashue, and she strongly urged the NDP to follow suit, as this would increase the probability of a Liberal victory.

May’s point is that such electoral co-operation is needed to defeat their common enemy, the Conservatives.

This might be true, but please note May is not asking the Liberals to step aside in the name of electoral co-operation, even though as the Toronto Star’s Chantal Hebert recently pointed out, the provincial NDP is growing in popularity in Newfoundland and Labrador.

  

Clearly, May’s goal isn’t just for the Conservatives to lose; it’s also for the Liberals to win.

If Green Party supporters aren’t angry about all this, then they aren’t paying attention because it’s obvious that May is hurting their cause.

By pulling out of election contests, for instance, May is undermining the party’s ability to get its message out to voters.

Certainly running a Green candidate in the Labrador by-election, which is guaranteed to receive tons of media coverage, would give the Green Party an amazing chance to promote its cause.

But the problem for the Greens goes much deeper than just losing free publicity.

Much deeper.

The more important question is this: if it doesn’t field candidates in elections and if its leader keeps promoting another party, why does the Green Party even exist?

To be blunt, if the Green Party doesn’t want to engage in the political arena as an independent voice, with its own vision and with its own ideals, than it serves no real or useful function.

You know, now that I think about it, maybe changing the name of the Green Party isn’t the best answer.

Maybe it would be more logical and easier if May simply changed parties.

The Liberals are probably looking for a few more MPs.

Harper Faces Frustratingly Fuzzy Future

Note: This column first appeared in the Ottawa Hill Times in September, 2014; I think the analysis still holds.

For Prime Minister Stephen Harper this must be a particularly frustrating time.

And no, what’s frustrating him isn’t the Conservative Party’s consistently poor showing in public polls, or the scandals which have plagued his government or his increasingly toxic relationship with the media.

In fact, none of that stuff would really bother Harper.

What would irk him, however, is the fuzzy nature of Canada’s political future.

Keep in mind that Harper is a meticulous planner and strategist; he’s like a general who won’t commit his troops to battle until he’s accounted and planned for every possible contingency.

In short, he doesn’t like surprises; he doesn’t want to improvise a strategy in the heat of combat.

Yet, whenever Harper scans the political terrain that will serve as the battle ground for the 2015 election, his view is obstructed by dark clouds of uncertainty.

For one thing, no one, including Harper and his strategists, knows how Liberal leader Justin Trudeau will perform once he’s thrown into the lion’s den of a national election campaign.

And Trudeau’s performance will matter because for the past year or so, the Conservatives have been airing TV ads telling us that Trudeau is “in over his head.”

These ads are meant to plant a seed of doubt in the minds of Canadians, seeds the Conservatives hope will bloom during an election, when voters will start to truly focus on the Liberal leader.

If, during the election, Trudeau stumbles, if he commits a series of verbal gaffes, if he performs poorly during the televised leaders’ debate, it will reinforce the Conservative message that he’s not up to the job.

But pinning all your hopes on an opponent making mistakes is always a gamble.

What if Trudeau campaigns like a pro; what if his winning smile charms the electorate?

That’s something Harper needs to consider.

And the “Trudeau factor” is not the only unknown confounding Harper.

He also has to worry about the NDP. More specifically, he must be wondering how the NDP, and its leader Thomas Mulcair, (who like Trudeau has never run a national campaign) will fare against the Liberals.

This is a key question because for Harper to succeed in 2015 he needs the NDP to soak votes away from the Liberals. He especially needs the NDP to keep the Liberals from scoring an electoral breakthrough in Quebec.

Is the NDP up to the job? Can Mulcair put a dent in Trudeau’s popularity? How will Quebeckers react to a Mulcair vs. Trudeau tilt?

Nobody knows. And that puts Harper’s plans in a state of flux.

Then to muddle things up even more, Harper also has to consider that the world itself is becoming increasingly unpredictable.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is rattling sabers in Eastern Europe; barbaric terrorist organizations are conquering huge swathes of territory in the Middle East; Israel and Hamas are at each other’s throats.

Given all this instability, what will the world look like when Canadians go to the polls a year from now? What will our economy be like? Will there be a war? Will there be a terrorist attack in North America or Europe?

We just don’t know.

And more to the point, Harper doesn’t know.

All these unknowns, all these variables, all these question marks, will make it extremely difficult for Harper to calculate a winning political equation.

Yet, of course, that won’t stop him and his team from trying to craft such a plan.

But just to cover all their bases, they will also have to prepare a Plan “B” and a Plan “C” and maybe even a Plan “D.”

Merv Lavigne RIP

It saddened me to learn of the recent passing of a great Canadian named Merv Lavigne

I knew Merv way back in the 1980s when he was a community college teacher from Haileybury, a small town in northern Ontario.

And what made Merv a great Canadian, at least to my mind, was his courage and his willingness to fight for what he believed in.

In fact, that’s how Merv and I ended up crossing paths; in 1985 he joined forces with a group I once worked for, the National Citizens Coalition, to fight a legal battle aimed at changing Canada’s labour laws so that union bosses would no longer have the power to use forced dues to subsidize their political propaganda.

Merv, a Liberal activist who had run for federal office, didn’t like the fact that a portion of his dues was being used to subsidize the New Democratic Party and other causes.

So, with the NCC’s moral and financial support, Merv launched what would prove to be an historic court challenge.

Merv’s argument was simple: Forcing him to associate with a political party, through his compelled union dues, violated his freedom of association which was guaranteed in the then newly minted Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

And although Merv was just one guy, his challenge scared the bejeezus out of Canada’s entire union movement.

Indeed, just about every big union organization in the country intervened in this case to oppose him.

Alas, it was a David vs Goaliath battle where Goliath ended up winning.

In 1991 the Supreme Court of Canada ruled against Merv, which is why, by the way, unions today are free to spend millions of dollars in forced union dues on political propaganda campaigns, whether their unionized employees like it or not.

And a lot of them don’t like it.

At any rate, I’ll always remember Merv as a guy who cheerfully and tirelessly endured six years of arduous legal combat.

It was a lot of work for a guy who already had a full time job: He attended fundraising events across the country, spoke to countless organizations, did hundreds of media interviews.

He also, sadly, endured harassment.

But never once did I ever hear him utter a single word of complaint.

One positive by-product of Merv’s hard work, was it significantly raised his profile and made him something of a media star.

The NCC’s own internal polling showed he had incredible favourables. People liked him; they liked his message. And why not? He had proven to be an intelligent and articulate spokesman.

Had he wished to re-enter the political arena, Merv could have easily got himself elected to Parliament and we told him so.

But, having enough of the limelight, he decided to focus on his family and his career.

Mind you, Merv had already accomplished a lot.

He put a key question of individual freedom on the national agenda; he rattled the establishment’s cage, and he fought a good fight for his principles.

That’s a pretty good epitaph.

The Five Stages of Justin Trudeaumania

Stage 1. Euphoria

Oh my God! Justin Trudeau, the cutest, most adorable, most charming man in the history of our planet, is now leader of the Liberal Party. Actually, he’s more than a man … he’s a Super Hero!  His looks, his charisma, his pedigree, combined with his magical ability to transform normally apathetic and disengaged young people into disciplined legions of enthusiastic Liberal voters, make him an unstoppable, unbeatable, invincible political juggernaut! His victory is inevitable. 

Stage 2. Gloating

Ha, ha, ha! The Conservatives are using negative ads to attack Justin Trudeau. Don’t they realize that since Trudeau is so adored, so worshipped, so beloved by the masses, such attacks will only make him even more powerful?  Oh well, once Prime Minister Stephen Harper realizes he has zero chance of stopping Trudeau’s soaring popularity he will do the right thing and resign any day.

Stage 3. Confusion

It’s despicable how Harper is using “fear tactics” to curry votes, such as Bill C 51, a law which, while popular, would undoubtedly destroy our civil rights and …wait, what? Trudeau supports Bill C 51? But he's the fun guy! OK forget about that Bill, let's talk about Trudeau’s politically savvy stance on the Niqab issue which will certainly guarantee him a overwhelming victory because only racist, bigoted, rednecks would support Harper’s position that such garments not be worn during citizenship ceremonies … what’s that? A poll shows nearly 90 percent of Canadians side with Harper?! Um … let’s talk about Mike Duffy.

Stage 4. Bargaining

You know what’s really awesome? Coalition governments. All the really cool countries in Europe have these, why not Canada? It’s time we put aside our boring, bland “British” system we’ve been using for the past 150 years or so and embrace the exciting world of politics Italian-style. It’d be fun! Or let’s try implementing other cool democratic reforms, such as mandatory voting or banning negative ads or Rep by Pop. Remember no idea to radically transform our democracy is too ridiculous or too strange, if it helps Trudeau achieve his destiny.

Stage 5. Acceptance

Canada has only one political leader tough enough and smart enough to defeat Harper in the next election: His name is Thomas Mulcair.

Me vs. The Digital Columnist

Sometimes I come across an opinion column about politics that’s so nonsensical, I feel compelled to write a response to it as soon as humanly possible.

But that’s pretty rare.

Usually what happens is I procrastinate until the urge to undertake the actual drudgery of composing articulate thoughts and writing them down slowly fades away.

Then I watch TV.

Yet, for some strange reason the passage of time did not dull my desire to offer a critique of a Bruce Anderson column which appeared in the Globe and Mail, way back at the end of January.

You’ve probably heard of Anderson; he’s a well-known pollster, he appears regularly on CBC's The National’s “At Issue” panel, and he is the Globe’s “digital columnist.”

At any rate, the first thing you need to know about Anderson’s column is that you can make anything sound cool and “cutting edge” simply by modifying it with the word “digital.”

“Hey Joe, hand me that digital monkey wrench” or “The floor looks much cleaner now that I'm using a digital mop.”

 See what I mean?

The second thing you need to know about Anderson’s column is that it passionately decries the nastiness of the Conservative Party, a nastiness which he argues stems from Prime Minister Stephen Harper getting “lousy advice” from the “cynical and jaded.”

This advice, wrote Anderson, has “coarsened our politics, driven away good potential candidates, and caused a steady decline in turnout at elections.”

 Sounds awful!

Although to be fair, Anderson actually offers zero proof that “coarsened” politics is driving away “good” potential candidates or that it’s causing a steady decline in voter turnout.

But let’s set aside that itty bitty objection.

What really struck me about Anderson’s arguments is that they come across as a tad simplistic, and by a “tad simplistic” I mean incredibly, insanely, five-year-old-child simplistic.

To show you what I mean, let’s take apart Anderson’s digital Globe column, digit by digit.

To prove his point about the coarseness of modern politics, Anderson offers us an anecdote from Question Period.

He notes that in answering a question from NDP leader Thomas Mulcair about Canada’s mission in Iraq, Harper said, “I know the opposition thinks it’s a terrible thing that we’re actually standing up to jihadists. I know they think it’s a terrible thing that some of these jihadists got killed when they fired on the Canadian military.”

This response, says Anderson, was “appalling” and “beneath the office of the Prime Minister.”

Then Anderson recounts about how, after dinging Mulcair, Harper tried to hit Liberal leader Justin Trudeau “below the belt”.

What was Harper’s underhanded blow?

Well, writes Anderson, while responding to a question about his proposed income splitting plan, Harper commented, “on the fact that Mr. Trudeau inherited money when his father passed away.”

Oh the horror! Poor Justin, can you imagine such a terrible … wait, really? That’s it? Harper just made an offhand comment about Justin being a rich kid.

Heck, my wife is tougher than that on me when I forget to bring out the garbage.

But Anderson was horrified.

As he put it, “It’s as though the Conservative Party considers receiving an inheritance some sort of character handicap, and that anyone on the receiving end of a bequest should just shut up and let others decide things?”

Now, I’m not privy to the Conservative Party’s communication strategy or anything, but I strongly suspect that Harper’s comments to Mulcair and Trudeau on that day in the House of Commons were more about tactics than about simple rudeness.

But before I get to that, let’s carry on with our examination.

After detailing the chamber of horrors that was Question Period, Anderson puts forward his reasons as to why we can’t “turn things around” and make our public discourse more respectable so that it’s less likely to make Justin Trudeau cry like a baby.

One “newish reason” says Anderson “is the bad chemistry that happens when you mix rabid partisanship and a social media platform like Twitter.”

To make his point, Anderson put its in bone-chilling terms:

But when it comes to politics, Twitter can also create some pretty nasty neighbourhoods. Places where the ultra-cynical come to spit and spew, often hiding behind fake names, making juvenile arguments, and indulging in pathetic name-calling. There are lots who hate Liberals, or New Democrats, and many who hate Conservatives. Some loathe the media.

If you wander into this neighbourhood, you’ll find a seething, stinking place. And it’s getting worse. For people who get up in the morning hoping to insult others, success is about shock value and provocation. Ignore them and they come back with a worse insult. Reveal annoyance and they’ll double down, overjoyed at the thought they’ve drawn blood.

Wow! For a guy who wants to upgrade the quality of debate in this country, Anderson sure knows how to pile up steaming heaps of derogatory rhetoric!

But did Anderson really think social media platforms would be a haven for legions of would be Aristotles and Voltaires? It’s the wild, wild west of commentary!

Still, Anderson does have a valid point. Twitter is a place where partisans go mainly to reinforce their own belief and to attack the other side.

But so what? How does the rabidly partisan nature of Twitter impact the greater political world and make it more difficult to “turn things around”?

Unfortunately, Anderson never backs up his proposition with any logical argument.

So I am forced to surmise that his argument goes something like this: political parties must cater and pander to their partisan bases, which thanks to the ungodly powers of social media are now made up of spitting and spewing mobs of wild-eyed, crazed, fanatics who demand blood!

If that’s true, then logic dictates that banning Twitter and YouTube, Facebook and Instagram would make our politics more civil, wouldn’t it?

Maybe.

But on the other hand, spitting and spewing mobs of wild-eyed, crazed fanatics existed long before anyone ever invented the Internet.

In the days of Ancient Rome they used graffiti to communicate, after the invention of the printing press they used pamphlets, books and newspapers; in the twentieth century they used radio and TV.

And yes, each form of communication listed above, you could argue, helped degrade political communication, making politics more of a rough and tumble business, full of scurrilous attacks, rude language and vicious invectives.

Perhaps then the only true way to create a purer more pristine political world, one that’s full of rainbows and lollipops and where all politicians act like Mother Teresa, is to ban not just social media but all forms of free communication.

They do this in other countries; I understand that politics in North Korea is extremely polite.

But now that I think about it, there might be a downside to living in polite countries that lack freedom.

So maybe allowing a little rude commentary is a small price to pay to live in a democracy.

As the great British Prime Minister Leo Durocher once said, “Democracy is the worst form of government … say it aint so Joe?”

Besides, Anderson’s “Blame it on Twitter” thesis is actually wrong because political parties do more than just communicate with their bases, they must also communicate in a way that wins votes from all those Canadians who don’t care about politics, or ideology or partisanship, which by the way is about 99 percent of the population.

So the partisan cesspool of Twitter is largely irrelevant to a political party’s overall communication strategy. Yes, they want to mobilize their bases, but they must do so in a way that allows them to win over non-aligned voters.

That means for political parties, it’s the wants and dreams and desires of the voting masses that matter.

The other reason Anderson puts forward as to why we can’t turn things around and make politics more of a genteel, courteous exercise is that Prime Minister Harper has consciously chosen a dark path.

He writes:

But as the politician with the biggest podium in the country, he (Harper) has a lot to do with setting the tone and the standard for political discourse. He can deliver an argument with style, wit, incisiveness and impact. But he also knows how to get the blood boiling among the angriest people in his party.

So “to be clear,” as the PM likes to say, it’s a choice.

Then Anderson helpfully offers this tactical advice:

“But what this Conservative Party needs to win re-election isn’t more evidence that it likes to travel on the low road. Or that this Prime Minister is capable of insults.”

So according to Anderson, Harper has a better chance of winning the next election if he sets a new tone, one that’s witty, stylish and positive, and one that didn’t pander to angry Conservatives.

An interesting hypothesis. But could travelling the high road really work for Harper?

Somehow I doubt it.

Remember the children’s fable where the lion decides to lay down with the lamb, and then the lamb hacks off the sleeping lion’s head off with a rusty butcher knife?

The moral from that story is clear: if Harper unilaterally goes positive, it doesn’t mean all his legions of enemies – opposition MPs, big union bosses, small union bosses, left wing media, environmental groups, feminists, Rick Mercer, the United Nations, pro-long form census advocates, the entire country of Russia – who up until now have been doing to Harper what kids at a birthday party do to an overstuffed piñata, would suddenly cease their attacks.

They’d more than likely continue to hammer away at Harper with even more reckless abandon.

In a sense then, Anderson is advising Harper to unilaterally disarm on the eve of battle.

OK, hold on, I am beginning to sound a little “jaded” and “cynical” here, and I certainly don’t want to offend Anderson’s delicate sensibilities, so in the interest of reasoned debate let’s take a step back.

Instead of arguing back and forth about tactics, let’s review Canadian political history and examine the style, wit and incisiveness of Canada’s most successful prime ministers.

Let’s see how many of them traveled the high road.

Here’s the list:

John A. MacDonald – Canada’s first prime minister and a Father of Confederation

·        Alcoholic

·        Possibly racist

·        Once, likely in an intoxicated state, threw up during a campaign speech.

William Lyon Mackenzie King – Canada’s longest serving Prime Minister

·        Talked to his dead mother

Louis St. Laurent  -- Who?

Pierre Trudeau – Legendary prime minister and subject of CBC bio pic

·        Gave “The finger” to Canadian citizens.

·        Once spoke words resembling “fuddle duddle” in House of Commons

·        Called backbench MPs “nobodies”

·        Desire to experiment with socialism flattened Alberta’s economy

·        Pirouetted behind the Queen

·        Invoked War Measure Act suspending the rights of every Canadian.

Jean Chretien – Won three majorities in a row, now considered Wise Elder Statesman

·        Throttled protester

·        Joked about pepper spraying protestors

·        Allowed staff to mock the religious beliefs of political rival

·        Referred to Albertans as a different “type”.

·        Government linked to scandals too numerous to mention

·        Subject of a book entitled The Friendly Dictatorship

·        Won an election by promising to scrap the GST (Ha, ha, ha.)

·        Regularly accused political opponents of secretly wanting to close orphanages, hospitals and abortion clinics, as part of a plan to impose an “American-style” right-wing, religious theocracy.

·        Engaged in vindictive feud with his own Finance Minister

Hmmm, maybe Harper isn’t all that bad, at least comparatively.

Now to be fair, we should also contrast the above list with a list of all those Canadian politicians who acted in a respectful manner.

Here’s that list:

1.      Stockwell Day – Devout nice guy and former Leader of the Canadian Alliance – (a party which no longer exists)

2.      Um, ….

So clearly, as the historical record makes clear, the road to political power is not paved with clever witticisms and stylish arguments.

If it was, the Harvard educated, successful author and all around intellectual, Michael Ingatieff would be our prime minister.

The fact is in political messaging, simplicity and directness work. If you try to get too complicated and clever and witty you only alienate voters.

So no one should be shocked or surprised that Harper is using simple and direct methods to define the Liberal and NDP leaders before they can define themselves.

When Harper went after Muclair in Question Period on the jihadism issue, he was defining the NDP leader as a guy who is soft on terrorism.

And when he made that crack about Trudeau’s inheritance, Harper was basically saying to Canadians, “Trudeau is a privileged rich kid, who can’t possibly understand the concerns and fears of average middle class Canadians.”

Anderson might find such a defining tactic as “coarse” and appalling and beneath the dignity of a prime minister; and he might believe it’s based on “lousy” advice, but all the same, it’s an extremely effective ploy, one that has worked on innumerable occasions in elections all over the globe.

One of those occasions was in 2011, when the Conservatives won a majority government after they successfully defined then Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff as an out of touch academic.

And if you think only nasty Conservatives use this approach, allow me to direct your attention to south of border where everybody’s favorite progressively sensitive politician, Barack “Hope and Change” Obama, used devastatingly effective attack ads in the 2012 presidential election to define his Republican opponent Mitt Romney as a cross between Thurston Howell III, Ebenezer Scrooge and Darth Vader.

Other examples: the British Columbia Liberals defined the NDP as Marxist radicals, the Alberta PCs defined Wild Rosers as Bible-thumping crazies, the Ontario Liberals (or more specifically their union allies) skewered the PCs as heartless, right-wing monsters.

These sorts of attacks work because unlike clever witticisms or intellectual arguments, they resonate on an emotional level and it’s our emotions, not our intellects, which motivate us to vote for a certain party.

What’s more, due to a quirk of human nature, negative emotions make a much greater impact on our minds than positive emotions. This is why traumatic events – such as visits to the dentist – stick in our memories for so long.

Keep in mind in too, Harper has all the warmth and cuddliness of Genghis Khan with a hangover, making it difficult if not impossible for him to campaign as Mr. Nice. (Anybody remember those horrendous TV ads where a smiling, sweater-wearing Harper tried to come across as some sort of Mr. Rogers figure?)

So the Conservative political equation is pretty straightforward. Since Harper can’t make himself more likable, his only option is to make Mulcair and especially Trudeau less likable.

And please, don’t tell me Trudeau’s Care Bear persona somehow makes him invincible to attack.

Even the Liberals don’t believe that.

I’m pretty sure, for instance, that it was fear of Conservative attack ads that caused Trudeau (who once believed we could solve the terrorist problem by inviting ISIS to sit around a campfire and sing kumbaya) to support the government’s controversial anti-terrorism bill, and to rethink his opposition to the military mission in Iraq.

The Liberals don’t want to see TV ads airing during the next election that feature a deep-voiced narrator saying something along the lines of: “Justin Trudeau opposed the war on ISIS, he opposed Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s anti-terrorism bill. He cares more about protecting the rights of terrorist scum than he does about protecting you. Vote for a strong and safe Canada! Vote Conservative.”

So yeah, just the fear of potential Tory TV attack ads pushed the Liberals to try change Trudeau’s image from adorable puppy to snarling Doberman Pinscher.

By the way, speaking of the Liberals, up until now their marketing plan was to avoid talking about issues and policies and platforms, hoping Canadians would vote for Trudeau solely based on his winning personality, charming smile and famous last name.

Some people (not me) might consider such an “idealess” strategy “cynical” and “jaded.”

Oh and I should note that if  Tory attacks on Trudeau do start to erode his support in the polls, the Liberals will drop their “Our leader is a boy scout” routine faster than you can say “drama teacher” and strike back with attacks of their own.

They’d have no choice; as one time manager of the Brooklyn Dodgers, Winston Churchill, once said, “Nice guys who don’t respond in kind to effective TV attack ads finish last or else alligators eat them last.”

This is not to say, of course, that Harper’s aggressive communications approach doesn’t entail risks or that it’s guaranteed to work.

My only point is this: in the context of real world politics, as opposed to Anderson’s make believe world of fairies, unicorns and gumdrop lanes, Harper’s tough guy approach makes strategic sense.

Despite what Anderson writes, Harper is not attacking Trudeau and Mulcair because of the nastiness of social media or because he’s by nature a rude person or because of jaded cynical advisors. (OK they might be jaded and cynical but that’s beside the point.)

Harper has simply adopted a strategy that offers his party its best chance of winning.

To paraphrase a guy who was paraphrasing the Bible, election victories don’t always go the side with the best attacks, but that’s the way to bet.

At any rate, that’s my “digital” opinion.

The Trudeau Illusion

While strolling down a downtown street festival recently I spied a little sign, taped to a Liberal Party recruiting booth and it immediately caught my attention.

It read: “Enter to win a hat signed by Justin Trudeau.”

Why, I wondered, would anybody consider a hat signed by a politician to be a prize?  

Then I remembered, Liberal leader Justin Trudeau is no ordinary politician, he’s much more important than that – he’s a celebrity!

He has a famous, former prime minster father; he has matinee idol good looks; he once pummeled a Conservative Senator in a boxing match, all of which makes him one part handsome prince; one part pop star; one part action hero.

This is why much of the media has bestowed upon Trudeau the kind of fawning coverage usually reserved for visiting royalty (such as Barack Obama) or for Rock stars promoting some trendy “celebrity-backed” plan, usually involving creative Twitter #hashtags, to end African poverty.

And make no mistake, celebrity-hood matters politically because in our modern, hi-tech, secular society, celebrities are the closest thing we have left to gods.

We see celebrities as heroic, glamorous, adventurous, beautiful, rich, privileged -- everything we aspire to be.

So we idolize them.

We buy the hemorrhoid products celebrities endorse; we dress (or in some cases undress) like them; we soak up their every word when they lecture us on the finer points of our national energy policy.

We even try to connect to them on some supernatural level by owning items they may have touched or signed, just as our ancestors in medieval times sought out holy relics, which is why people might covet an autographed Trudeau hat.

Part of this worshipping process includes transforming our celebrities into idealized versions of humanity.

After all, what’s the point of paying homage to a regular schmuck?

So it is that Trudeau’s celebrity status also confers upon him the aura of a perfect politician, a leader who is imbued with positivity and idealism, whose motives are completely pure, whose aims are utterly noble, and whose hair has achieved a divine level of flawlessness.

That’s why, unlike regular, run-of-the-mill, non-celebrity politicians, Trudeau doesn’t need policies or platforms or, you know, anything actually resembling a real idea.

Indeed, the implied Liberal “marketing” message is that Trudeau, through a combination of celebrity superpowers and Chinese-communist-style efficiency, will painlessly and effortlessly solve all our problems.

The budget will balance itself; Alberta will develop oil sands in a way that makes the air smell like roses; and once Trudeau discovers the “root causes” of evil, Vladimir Putin and ISIS will turn away from aggression and dedicate themselves to helping homeless puppies.

Who can compete with a narrative like that?  No wonder Trudeau is soaring in the polls.

Of course, somewhere deep in our hearts, we all realize the Trudeau story is really just a nice fairy tale, just as we know Kermit the Frog is really just a piece of felt with buttons for eyes.

But when it comes to Kermit and Justin we want to suspend reality.

The Trudeau fairy tale is one we especially want to believe. We want to believe there’s a leader out there who can magically make the country a better place, who can unite us all regardless of race, region or hockey affiliation, who can rise above partisan political bickering, who will let us have our cake and eat it too.

We don’t want to pull back the curtain and see Trudeau for what he really is: a likable but inexperienced, gaffe-prone politician who is probably incapable of uttering anything beyond carefully rehearsed platitudes.

That would force us to face the ugly truth: that no matter who is prime minister, no matter which party is in charge, it won't change the basic reality that politics is a messy, tough, cynical, scandal-prone business that offers no clear cut or easy answers.

Who wants to contemplate that harshness when it’s so much easier, so much more satisfying to believe in Trudeau’s rainbows and lollipops agenda?

As Oscar Wilde put it, “illusion is the first of all pleasures.”

Consequently, because it gives us pleasure, Trudeau remains firmly atop his celebrity pedestal, meaning he has a good chance of becoming our next prime minister.

Then, I guess, we will see what happens when illusion confronts reality.

(Spoiler alert: illusion usually doesn’t do so well.)